The Fashionista Files Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Praise

  INTRODUCTION - Fashion! Don’t Leave Home Without It

  CHAPTER 1

  LIFE IN THE “FASH” LANE

  GENUS FASHIONISTA

  MY FRIEND, THE FASHIONISTA - Karen, the Girl in “That Dress” at My Wedding MELISSA

  TURNING FASHIONISTA MAKEOVERS FOR OUR MEN! - Constructing the Right Look

  THE UPS, THE DOWNS, THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY—THE CREEDS THAT GIVE US CRED

  CHAPTER 2

  DIANA VREELAND ONCE SAID, “BREVITY IS THE SOUL OF LINGERIE ”

  JEAN-IUS - My Dad’s 501s MELISSA

  BOTTOMS UP

  WHAT’S ON TOP - Choke on This MELISSA

  SHIRT THING

  JACKETS REQUIRED - Death by Fendi MELISSA

  JUDGE A GAL BY HER COVER

  EXCESS-ORY: AN OUT FIT JUST ISN’T AN OUTFIT WITHOUT THE RIGHT ACCESSORIES - The Bag Ate My Hair! KAREN

  IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD

  THRIFTY WOMEN: SOME THINGS ARE BETTER THE SECOND TIME AROUND - What’s Old Is What’s New KAREN

  CLOSET MAKEOVERS WITH SUPERSTYLIST MICHAEL PALLADINO

  CLEANING OUT THE CLUTTER

  CHAPTER 3

  CONFESSIONS OF THE SHOPPING OBSESSED - Kirna Zabete, Number Three on My Speed Dial KAREN

  WHERE’S THE PARTY? - Behavioral Tips for Befriending the Salespeople, Store Owners, and Managers in Any Store in Any Part of the World

  THE LONE SHOPPER - How to Keep Your Distance and Maintain Your Personal Space While Shopping

  WHERE TO WEAR - The Shopping Uniform KAREN

  DRESS TO BUY! - What to Put on (or Tote Around) for Any Purchasing Jaunt

  RETAIL THERAPY - Glamour Girl: Where to Splurge Your Heart Out Around the World NEW YORK CITY

  DISCOUNT DARLING - Where to Find the Über-chic on the Über-cheap OUTLET MALLS ACROSS THE COUNTRY

  QUIZ - What Is Your Shopping M.O.? Answer These Three Questions and Find Out

  SCENES FROM A MALL (OR, OUR CRAZIEST SHOPPING ESCAPADES ... OY!) - A Day at the Outlets KAREN AND MELISSA (GUEST-STARRING SALLY, OUR FASHIONISTA FRIEND)

  OUTLET PREPARATION - Things to Keep in Mind for a Day in Manic Paradise

  YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHERE WE GOT THIS! - The Wonderful World of Target and Paying Less MELISSA AND KAREN

  BARGAIN HUNTING 101!

  COPY CATS: SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE KNOCKED OFF - Mom Won’t Lend Me Her Birkin KAREN

  HOW TO SMELL A BAD KNOCKOFF A MILE AWAY

  SPLURGE! OUR BIGGEST-TICKET ITEMS, GOD BLESS THEM! - The Girl’s Gotta Have It! KAREN

  WHEN IT’S OKAY TO GO ALL THE WAY

  JUSTIFY YOUR LOVE

  BUY IT OR LEAVE IT?

  REGRET ME NOTS?

  LETTING GO—IT’S NEVER EASY

  BUYER’S REMORSE

  HOW TO HANDLE BUYER’S REMORSE IN STYLE

  SAMPLE SALES ! SAMPLE THE FUN, SAMPLE THE FRENZY - That’s My Handbag, Bitch! KAREN AND MEL

  SAMPLE SALE SURVIVAL SKILLS

  CHAPTER 4

  SNIP, TEAR, AND WEAR - Lessons from the Master KAREN AND MELISSA

  YOU CAN’T ALWAYS BUY WHAT YOU WANT... BUT IF YOU TRY SOMETIMES, YOU JUST MIGHT FIND, YOU CAN MAKE WHAT YOU NEED - Preppy to Punky KAREN

  TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE IN ONE! - Maxiskirt to the Max KAREN

  THE BITCH-AND-SWAP!

  CHAPTER 5

  PUT ON A LITTLE MAKEUP, MAKEUP, WE’RE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME, GOOD TIME - The Michael Jackson Makeover MELISSA

  LOCK ’N’ ROLL - The Love Affair MELISSA

  THE NETHER REGIONS - I Have Hair There? KAREN

  FASHIONISTA FILES: THE COLLECTION BY ORLY - Designing Our Own Nail Polish Line MELISSA AND KAREN

  PUTTING ON THE RITZ - Botox for All! KAREN

  FIT FASHIONISTAS - Starving in Style KAREN DAY 1

  GETTING INTO YOUR SKINNY JEANS

  CHAPTER 6

  WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? - Faking It! KAREN

  SOMETHING TO BUZZ ABOUT

  TECHNICAL EXPERTISE

  SOPHISTICATED ACCENTS!

  ICONOGRAPHY - Ode to Tom Ford (Gucci, 1994–2004) A LETTER FROM YOUR TWO BIGGEST FANS

  DESIGNER DEITIES

  HOW A-MUSE-ING - Haute Heroine KAREN

  THE INFLUENCERS

  CHAPTER 7

  THE FASHIONISTA FILM ARCHIVE

  BIG-SCREEN FASHION - Bonnie, Clyde, and a Babysitter KAREN

  JOAN AND MELISSA RIVERS NEVER STOOD A CHANCE - The Ultimate Spectator Sport MELISSA AND KAREN

  STYLE PAGES!

  SHELF LIFE - From A to B and Back Again MELISSA

  BOOKED SOLID!

  TURN THE BEAT AROUND - Everyone’s Talking About Pop Music MELISSA AND KAREN

  THE GALLERINA VERSUS THE FASHIONISTA - Gucci Shoes or a Painting? Such Decisions! KAREN

  ART OFTEN REFERENCED IN FASHION

  THE CULTURATI - Feel Like Making Art KAREN

  MODERN-ART DARLINGS TO CASUALLY NAME-DROP

  FASHION GODS - Sign of the Times MELISSA

  SPIRITUAL, HOLISTIC, AND RELIGIOUS PATHS TO CONSIDER EXPLORING

  FLY THE FASHIONISTA SKIES AND TRAVEL IN STYLE

  CHAPTER 8

  THE BEST PART OF EVERY EVENING: GET TING READY - Social Schedule and Reality MELISSA AND KAREN

  THE ARRIVAL - The Stars Are Here? MELISSA AND KAREN

  CHEEK TO CHEEK - Fashionistas always air-kiss each other so much not because they’re fond of each other but so they can whisper fresh insults into each other’s ears. —MOSCHINO

  GOIN’ TO THE CHAPEL - White Plastic Versace? MELISSA

  DINING OUT IN STYLE - Restauranting as a Sport KAREN

  THE FASHIONISTA DATING HISTORY - You’re Just Like Cher in Clueless MELISSA

  CHAPTER 9

  AWARENESS: ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM IS HALF THE BATTLE - You Charge Me $150 per Hour and Call This Advice? KAREN

  INSUFFICIENT FUNDS!? - Oops, I Did It Again! KAREN

  CLOSET BANKER

  CHAPTER 10

  TAKING OFF FOR THE RUNWAYS! - Sneaking out to Set the Style Agenda MELISSA

  CRASHING THE HIGH - Following the Flock MELISSA

  Secret of My Success KAREN

  WHO ARE YOU WEARING? - Close Encounters with a Camera Lens MELISSA

  FRONT AND CENTER - David Copperfield, Toni Braxton, Karen Robinovitz!? KAREN

  WHO’S WHO AT THE SHOWS AND WHERE THEY SIT

  FASHION WEEK ON THE WEST COAST... AN OXYMORON? - Rocking the House MELISSA

  FROM THE SIDEWALK TO THE CATWALK - Lessons from a Runway Master MELISSA AND KAREN

  A FINAL NOTE FROM THE FASHIONISTAS

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Copyright Page

  This book is lovingly dedicated to our moms,

  Ching de la Cruz and Judi Robinovitz,

  the original fashionistas in four-inch heels,

  who may regret teaching us so much about fashion

  after reading our book/confessional.

  Thank you for inspiring us to be all that we are—

  and to look good doing it!

  We would have nothing to wear

  if it weren’t for you!

  Additional Praise for The Fashionista Files

  “The Fashionista Files is filled with the kind of advice that you get from your best girlfriends. It’s all you need to look and feel amazing without looking like you actually tried.”

  —BOBBI BROWN, CEO, Bobbi Brown Cosmetics

  “With the departure of Sex and the City, the fashion hungry obsessed need look no further than The Fashionista Files, an encyclopedia from A to Zegna on how to walk, talk, and look like a million
bucks. Before it’s in fashion, it’s in The Fashionista Files.”

  —BONNIE FULLER, Chief Editorial Director, American Media Inc.

  “Imagine a book that tells you not only what designers to wear, but how to pronounce them! Not only what time to arrive, but what to do once you get there! This is an indispensible guide to worshiping at the throne of fashion and fabulousness. J’adore it!”

  —MICHAEL MUSTO, The Village Voice

  “Melissa and Karen are the kind of terminally deranged fashionistas who give fashion a bad name . . . and I love them for it.”

  —SIMON DOONAN, author of Wacky Chicks

  “The real princepessas Robinovitz and de la Cruz write the believe-it-or-not take on what’s really going on behind the scenes of the ugly business of being beautiful. Wow! What a ride! I love this book.”

  —JANICE DICKINSON, “The World’s First Supermodel”

  and author of No Lifeguard on Duty and

  Everything About Me Is Fake . . . and I’m Perfect!

  Praise for How to Become Famous in Two Weeks or Less

  by Melissa de la Cruz and Karen Robinovitz

  “For anyone who has ever stood before a bathroom mirror and secretly thanked The Academy, a hilarious guide to becoming ‘It’ in an age where the line between fame and infamy is as fine as a Manolo Blahnik stiletto heel.”

  —BONNIE FULLER, former editor-in-chief, US Magazine

  “Some are born famous, some achieve fame, and some have fame thrust upon them. For the rest of us, this book is essential reading.”

  —TOBY YOUNG, author of How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

  “Let’s face it, who doesn’t want their fifteen minutes of fame? But the road to getting there can be as difficult as crawling over broken glass. Karen and Mel take you on an ‘ouch-free’ red carpet ride to the VIP room in this great read with lots of laughs along the way.”

  —ROSHUMBA WILLIAMS, supermodel and

  correspondent for Entertainment Tonight

  “Karen and Melissa capture the zeitgeist of American pop culture perfectly. Consider this ‘the rules’ to gaining popularity and fame for the generation raised on The Real World. Plus, it’s a riot.”

  —MOLLY SIMS, MTV host, actress, supermodel

  “[A] sassy and shamelessly shallow guide to landing in the limelight . . . [an] entertaining look at the often frightening world of fame.”

  —Publisher’s Weekly

  “A must-read for every aspiring A-lister, de la Cruz and Robinovitz’s guidebook for pursuing fame and notoriety in New York high society has everything you’ll need to hoist yourself above the hoi polloi; along with every reason not to bother.”

  —Gotham magazine

  “Don’t waste your time trying to make it on American Idol. All you need to propel yourself into the spotlight are the burning yearning for celebrity and a copy of this guffaw-inducing guidebook. Authors de la Cruz and Robinovitz created, then followed, a set of fame-focused rules which managed—for journalistic purposes—to launch them onto the most sparkling party pages and gossip columns. . . . The riotous read wittily illuminates the requirements of fame and consequently exposes why you probably don’t want any part of it.”

  —LA Confidential

  “Karen Robinovitz and Melissa de la Cruz will have you laughing on the red carpet in no time.”

  —Marie Claire

  INTRODUCTION

  Fashion! Don’t Leave Home Without It

  If you think fashionistas are that rare breed lucky enough to have been born in Paris and educated in Swiss boarding schools, are able to run in high heels and oversize sunglasses through airports, sip 1985 Château Lafite Rothschild with film directors in the Hamptons, edit fashion magazines, sit front-row at fashion shows, and own the latest outfit even before it hits the stores, you’re right . . . but you’re also wrong.

  Today’s fashionista is, as the Kinks put it, a dedicated follower of fashion. She is anyone who has rejected the tried-and-true, staid-and-sensible, matching-bag-and-shoes, no-white-after-Labor-Day rules to follow a fantasy of art-directed glory.

  A fashionista is a teenage raver in all black, a drag queen with tearsheets of supermodels on her bedroom walls, a doctor who wears stilettos with her lab coat, a classics professor who revels in Prada, a twelve-year-old girl who reads Mommy’s Vogue under the covers late at night and carefully plots what she’ll wear to school at least twelve to fifteen hours in advance, and anyone and everyone whose world has been touched and inspired by fashion and who aspires to a life of whimsy, elegance, frivolity, and fabulousness.

  You can recognize a fashionista by the pointy shoes she wears, her never-changing haircut, her affinity for French techno music, and her uncanny ability to get into nightclubs without waiting in line. She’s the girl who can make a halter top from a T-shirt, knowingly guess what the starlets are wearing on Oscar night, and make Old Navy look like Chanel. She mixes cheap, no-name Kmart and thrift-store finds with high design. She puts herself together with ease—and daydreams about how to mix and match her clothing in new, innovative ways. She fancies accessories and understands that an outfit just isn’t an outfit without the right pair of shoes.

  Fashionistas are also not afraid to look slightly ridiculous. Just look at Betsey Johnson, who cartwheels down the fashion runway in all her kooky glory. Or Isabella Blow, the British muse of hat designer Philip Treacy, with her insane headgear. Like them, you have to be willing to take risks and slide into open-toe shoes in the winter. Stepping beyond the line is all part of the lifestyle. If a snide someone ever asks you if you’re trying to look like an elfin hooker (as someone said to Karen when she wore a smashing emerald-green one-shouldered Alice Roi minidress with trailing chiffon shards to a party), or says, “Should I call you Pocahontas?” (as someone asked Mel when she had her hair done in Bo Derek braids way before J.Lo resurrected them in one of her videos), just take it in stride and don’t let it bother you. Some people are intimidated by fashion. Don’t be one of them!

  Being a member of the fashion species is about more than just fashion. It is an entire way of being and living that includes an appreciation for all pop culture phenomena, from television and food to film and literature. It means going to trendy restaurants, or at least talking about them from an all-knowing point of view. A fashionista prides herself on the details—noticing everything from the lighting (flattering or not?), the curve of a table, the art on a wall, the hue of a shade of paint, the uniforms the waiters wear, the carb count of an Advantage bar.

  Her vocabulary is stocked with fashion terms (utilitarian chic, empire waist, kick pleat). She has more black pants than you can imagine—and a reason behind why she needs each and every pair (they are so different from one another if you really think about it, you know). She drinks designer water (Evian, anyone?), and is obsessed with classic fifties cinema, guilty pleasures (fast food, disco, and celebrity gossip!), cell phones, lacy frills, spa moments, the pop art movement, British tabloids, car services (even if that means Mom dropping you off at the mall), and multicultural influences of all kinds. She can pull off the kind of crazy getups no one else could get away with. And she can make anything look stylish (all she needs is a pair of scissors, fabulous earrings, and a bit of imagination).

  This book will show you how to embrace fashionistadom to the fullest, from how to maintain the treasures in your closet, to keeping your pocket Chihuahua safe in your Kelly bag while shopping, to ordering at restaurants, perfecting the double air-kiss, and loads of other tips for living large and loving every minute of it.

  So if you are a fashionista (God bless!), or just want to look and talk like one (God bless!), then this is the book for you!

  Like Mother, Like Daughter

  KAREN

  My mother is a fashionista. In all of the old pictures of her (posing, of course), she’s wearing the best platform shoes, tight bell-bottom jeans, wide-brimmed hats, and lots of red suede. She was my style role model. And maybe my worst inf
luence. When I was a child she carted me around when she went shopping, introducing me to designer names like Ungaro and Valentino. “These are the European greats,” she once said, offering words of wisdom. I was probably eight at the time. And I remember watching her try things on and thinking that she was the most glamorous woman on Earth. Granted, it was the eighties, a time of excess, over-the-top fashion, shoulder pads, and vulgar indulgence. But to me, her day trips to stores seemed like theater. Fashion had a magical way of making people—or at least my mother and the other shoppers—happy. Mom emerged from the dressing room to find an eager gaggle of saleswomen applauding her, gushing, “Gorgeous! Beautiful! Smashing! Stunning!” I wanted to be all those things.

  I learned valuable lessons from my mom on those excursions. She taught me that style is not about wearing expensive designer labels all at once, but putting them together in a way that reflects your personality. “Mix high fashion with jeans. Add shine, shimmer, and satin to cotton classics. Spice something up with a great hat. Have fun! Play,” she said, encouraging me to try on her clothes and get creative with my own. She taught me that dressing is about fantasy, making up a character that fits a mood. And while it’s not who you are at heart, it certainly can help you feel better. Even if it’s just for a moment.

  When she first married my father and they were struggling newlyweds saving to buy their first home, she would sneak to stores to buy boots without his permission. In 1968 she purchased $50 black leather knee-high boots that puckered down the front from a guy named Ivan Radowitz on Route 22 in Greenbrook, New Jersey. When she brought them home, excited and giddy to share her joy, my father went crazy. He yelled at her for being so frivolous. She cried and cried and begged to keep them. (She did and now she lives in Manolos. But she still has moments when she begs to keep certain fashion acquisitions that she picked up on a whim.)

  In a way I was reared on fashion. It was my destiny. My mother was always very concerned with how I was dressed. There are tons of baby photos of me wearing her oversize Chanel sunglasses. She used to tape pink bows to my head when I had no hair. And she basically used me in order to indulge her own flights of fashion fancy. “Let’s put her in this,” she’d say, as if she were a mad scientist, mixing potions that could potentially explode. I was her doll. And I must have loved it, because the apple, much to my father’s chagrin, does not fall far from the tree.